Help! Does anyone here speak corporate? We have received the following cryptic message from planet PwC: "Effective agile implementations require organizations to identify and adapt the agile framework that meets the specific needs of the business." While this may sound like boilerplate corporate jargon, it actually has a direct bearing on the future of table tennis. The people of Planet PwC (PricewaterhouseCoopers) have been conscripted in a civil war between different tribes of this planet's ping-pong-playing persons. It all started when the International Table Tennis Federation (ITTF) of Planet Earth desired to increase its ability to generate currency. The result was World Table Tennis (WTT), an unapologetically commercial enterprise with dreams of elevating table tennis to the upper echelons of Earth sports. In order to accomplish these ambitious goals, WTT proposed major changes to the competitive structure of the sport. Four yearly "Grand Smash" tournaments would become the tentpoles of the sport, providing big money for players and big viewing audiences for marketing. Of course, any change is inevitably met with resistance. In November, the German Table Tennis Association (DTTB) published a scathing open letter, calling the newly formed WTT a "takeover" of international table tennis. The DTTB alleged that WTT lacked "essential principles of good governance and transparency." The broadside concluded with a call for WTT to be "thoroughly investigated by independent economic and legal experts that could check the transparency, legality and legitimacy of the ongoing processes." Perhaps expecting a global groundswell of support in its brave, if foolhardy, defiance of the world's governing body of table tennis, the letter was mostly met with crickets. French Table Tennis Federation President Christian Palierne was among the few to publicly support the DTTB's claims. Nevertheless, WTT chose to respond to the accusations by hiring consultants from the aforementioned PwC (PricewaterhouseCoopers), one of Earth's biggest accounting firms. The ITTF Executive Committee hired PwC to give WTT a thorough inspection and report any wrongdoing. In the ITTF's own summary, PwC concluded that WTT "was set up with good governance and financial compliance, and followed all the relevant codes, regulations and confidentiality requirements." ITTF Executive Vice-President Nestor Tenca clearly enjoyed the vindication-for-hire. "Unfounded claims have no place in our sport," said Tenca after PwC issued their findings. "We are therefore pleased to be able to clarify the true position." PwC might do well to give itself an investigation. Its Wikipedia page lists no less than 31 recent controversies, most involving shady financial dealings. While PwC is certainly capable of conducting an impartial investigation into others' business, its own muddled affairs hardly inspire confidence. Imagine if Bernie Madoff reviewed your investment portfolio and found everything to be above board. He may very well be correct, but his history necessarily raises questions. Speaking of questions, has anyone translated the initial transmission of PwC corporate programming yet? I have contacted the interstellar linguist from the film "Arrival" and she says it basically boils down to this: "Tell them what they want to hear."

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